Blog Post 1: Introduction, Theme, and Variation
TW//: Mention of Suicide, Drug and Alcohol Use, all names within the blog are changed for safety and complete anonymity.
To whom it may concern:
If you’re reading this, that means I’ve found the balls to start a blog. Everybody has thought about starting one at some point in their life, but it was a push from my mother that got me to start writing, and digging back into the unbothered depths of my brain that houses the many suppressed memories that have nestled themselves quite comfortably into my ever-changing, eternally evolving personality. So, by the end of this first meandering, meaningless run-on sentence, you’re probably asking yourself, “what’s the goal here?” The goal is simple: to find enough events from my life to form a fairly decent blog, decent being the key word. There’s another problem, though. If you’re reading this, and you have just stumbled onto my blog, you probably have no earthly idea who I even am! Well, then, I believe an introduction is in order. My name is Zach Gilbert. My friends call me Gilby, or The Gilbs, if you’d like. At the time of writing, it is the 23rd of May 2021, and I am 23 years old. We are a year and change into the COVID-19 pandemic, and I am still living at home in South Carolina with my parents.
Okay, now that the formalities are over, let’s get overly personal REALLY quickly
I have an older brother, who lives in New York, and is obtaining his PHD in Physics from a very prestigious academic institution. He’s fluent in French, was 1 of 5 among some big number I can’t remember- 200, maybe? applicants to share a presentation at a meeting of the world’s top student physicists. Think about that. 5/200 is .025. Meaning, he had a .025 chance of being chosen and he was.
Fuck. Imagine trying to compete with THAT for 23 years.
Resentment? No. Jealousy? Absolutely.
And what about me? I play music. It’s something I’m halfway okay at. I’ve never really considered myself to be “all that.” I mean, I can say whatever I want, but I’ve never truly been the best. That’s why I try to put some, maybe minimal effort into it. I try not to think of music as a competition, but it’s hard for me to not compare myself to others. That’s something I’m trying to get rid of through studies of Buddhist nature, in addition to Effortless Mastery, which was pioneered by the visionary Kenny Warner. Look, all I’m saying is when I turn on my playlist, and I hear James Carter, or Michael Brecker, or Earl Bostic absolutely destroying the saxophone, I don’t get disappointed, and compare myself to them, I only appreciate the magnitude of their technical prowess, and the art that seems to be so natural and fulfilling to them. Why is it I can do that, but when I go see someone I know and love play the saxophone, and completely tear it up, why can’t I stop comparing myself to them, fidgeting, waiting to get to my own saxophone so I can prove that I’m just as good as them? It’s a curse I can’t lift.
See here’s the real problem. I like to say I’m vulnerable, wear my heart on my sleeve, but then when push comes to shove, I don’t like being vulnerable, and have massive anxiety and panic attacks when I do, because I feel like people will use that against me. And people have. And people will again and again and again, until I stop trusting the world, close myself off to anyone who tries to get in.
I tend to go too dark a lot of times, using extremes to help myself cope with my depression and anxiety. Sometimes it gets so bad that I have panic attacks in the middle of performing, or in the middle of work. I’d say this happens twice a month. Which is pitiful comparatively speaking, but I don’t compare struggles. Comparison of struggles is negation of struggles, and negation of struggle is textbook gaslighting, and yes, you can gaslight yourself. I also use my “loudness” as a form of shelter, because when I’m loud, people don’t tend to stick around much, and strangers stay away from me. When I think about it, like really think about it, maybe that’s my goal. Maybe my goal is to push people away and be all alone so I can just off myself in peace, and no one has to get hurt. But that last part isn’t always true. I know if someone like Jen, someone like Drew, someone like Garrett got hurt, I would be destroyed, and they wouldn’t even know how sad I was. Mom always said suicide was a selfish option and part of me agrees with her.
Phew, that took a lot out of me. Maybe this is going to be a good thing… maybe this might actually help me become a better person. I don’t count on it, but it’s worth a shot. I heard a story that David Crosby told someone, “I’m an asshole. If you forget, it’s your fault”. I like that. Upfront and honest.
No turning back now, or maybe there is- we’ll see how this goes.
Now that we’ve set the tone for how this is going to go, I’m going to go eat, play some music, consume some… herbal tea, and go to bed. Maybe not in that order.
Yours always,
Zachary Gilbert
Comments
Post a Comment